I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
