I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
