First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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