Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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