i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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