Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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