I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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