The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
He uses pillows to masturbate.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
