Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
