I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
