I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
