Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
