I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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