Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
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