i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
