I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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