I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
