Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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