you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
