Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
