Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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