i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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