You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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