she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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