i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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