She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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