she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
