I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
