So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
