Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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