shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
