Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
