I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
