Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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