What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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