Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
