I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
