Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
