Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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