I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
