i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
