i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
