It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
