The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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