I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
