so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i out mim tonsoeep
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