why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
