There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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