It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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