Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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