I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
