My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
