Pappa wants mamma naked
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
